A British casino is hiring someone to watch every episode of ‘The Simpsons’ to help predict the future and my crystal ball sees failure


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There are instances when it looks like “The Simpsons” is written by Nostradamus.

The Trump presidency. Siegfried & Roy getting attacked by a white tiger. Sensible watches. Disney shopping for twenty first Century Fox. Autocorrect. Proof of the Higgs boson particle. Richard Branson rocketing into house. Development of the Shard in London.

These are just some gags the present imagined earlier than they occurred in actual life.

Now a British on line casino believes there should be more clairvoyance within the archives.

Are you in search of a brand new gig? Do you may have any curiosity in watching each episode of “The Simpsons,” plus the spinoff movie, which interprets into 284 hours, or 35.5 hours per week over two months? In that case, I direct you to a advertising and marketing stunt gussied up as a place emptiness from Platin On line casino: “Simpsons Series Analyst.”

The profitable candidate, who can reside anyplace on the planet, should be fluent in English and have robust writing expertise. That’s principally it. The stipend for this retina-tattooing gig is £5,000, which converts to over $8,500 in Canadian bucks. The solely different perk is a weekly field of doughnuts, a nod to Homer Simpson.

To the , I say, “Go for it.” I’m tempted to use myself. This is perhaps the simplest job since Khloé Kardashian Home Sitter: “She’s going to pay me $100 per hour to Photoshop selfies and chuck out expired yogurt while she’s away in Jamaica?”

I’ve solely been to Vegas as soon as. Regardless of weeks of number-counting follow and untold hours on Blackjack apps and deep dives into the nuances of slots chance, or the hidden vagaries of craps and roulette, I left Nevada poorer than after I arrived. My dream of returning to Toronto with Bezos’ cash was rudely interrupted in actual time by the belief the home all the time wins.

Now I’m not so positive. So far as I can inform, Platin On line casino is gifting away cash. It’s in search of somebody to observe each episode of “The Simpsons” after which “note down standout events from the show,” to “help us predict the probability of each one happening.”

Why? I do not know.

However because the 2016 U.S. election, there are not any notes left to down.

I’ve learn many tales in recent times concerning the eerily correct predictions from “The Simpsons.” The discovery of a three-eyed fish. A horsemeat scandal. A FIFA scandal. A foreshadowing of Girl Gaga’s efficiency on the Tremendous Bowl. A pandemic originating in China. Lawsuits from overweight however nonetheless famished clients kicked out of “all you can eat” buffets. The perception the universe is doughnut-shaped is not as fringe as when Homer shared this principle with Stephen Hawking at Moe’s Tavern in Season 10.

And since that first story ran about how “The Simpsons” was more correct than Miss Cleo, web sleuths have run a fine-toothed comb over each episode in the hunt for different animated prophecy. If “The Simpsons” had ever predicted TikTok challenges, Zoom, Timothée Chalamet, “Squid Game,” the Alberta secession motion, the Nice Rooster Sandwich Wars, Yeezy sneakers or Usher going for jogs with pet goats, we’d know that by now. We’d realize it all by now.

Don’t inform the Star’s new house owners. However I’m going to use for this job. And after I get it — how might Platin On line casino probably flip down a former TV critic with a lifelong love of the paranormal who has written 20,000-word essays on the historical past of soothsaying? — I’m going to screw with this on line casino the best way casinos often screw with us.

I’m going to binge my free doughnuts, fake to be watching each episode — I’ll be in my yard, prepping for winter bird-feeding season — after which make up believable predictions the on line casino will discover too intoxicating to fact-check earlier than firing off a launch.

“After completing his successful role as ‘Simpsons’ Series Analyst, Vinay Menon, from Toronto, has found storylines in old episodes that predict Justin Trudeau’s socks will take over as prime minister in 2022, William Shatner will impregnate a Martian, Dave Chappelle will come out as trans, Campbell’s will release a soup called ‘Supply Chain Inflation Gumbo,’ Turks will secede from Caicos, Machine Gun Kelly will rebrand as Pistol Pete, the Leafs will win the Stanley Cup in 2267, Uber ratings will be settled by arm wrestles, skinny jeans will be a crime, Gwyneth Paltrow will release a new sex toy called ‘King Kong Pastel Dong,’ Ikea will pivot to cannabis, Bobby Flay will corner the market on barbecue cannibalism, mirrors will be banned as ‘self-appropriation,’ and Tucker Carlson and Richard Spencer will release a holiday album of duets titled, ‘I’m Dreaming of a Non-White Christmas.’”

Come on, Platin On line casino. All of the predictions from “The Simpsons” are already on-line.

So name off the job search. Give me the £5,000. I’ve winter chicken seed to purchase.

And it’s essential to understand the home all the time loses within the recreation of free publicity.

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